The holiday season is upon us. There’s a lot of great things going on during this busy time. People shopping for others, volunteering, baking goodies for the neighbors, and supporting the community in various ways. There is something magical about this season especially when you’re a kid, but for me things started to change. The magic of the season started to disappear. I remember my mom never looking forward to Christmas and it always confused me as a kid. How could she hate a holiday where everyone was so happy and full of life? However, now  I understand. The month of December seems to be a constant state of “go, go, go” without much time to just sit and smell the cocoa.

This month is suppose to be the “most wonderful time of the year” but for a lot of people there is not a whole lot of wonderful going on in their lives. The month of December is the darkest month and for many it is the start of waiting for sunshine to come back into their lives, both metaphorically and realistically. It may be a time for family and friends, but it also can make a person realize how alone they truly are especially if they have experienced loss in the last year or live far from family. Now with social media suffocating our entire existence, seeing everyone jolly  can remind people of the things they are missing out on in their own lives.

This is also a time that can be of great financial burden. The expectation is to give gifts but who do you give gifts to and what do you get? If you randomly receive a gift from someone but you didn’t give them a gift it can turn into an emotional nightmare. Or if you’re a single parent somehow trying to make sure your children have a good Christmas even though times are hard.

I will be the first to admit I am struggling right now with getting into the holiday spirit. The last few months have been rough and even though so many positive things are happening I just can’t hang on to them enough. I see everyone getting more involved in work, church, and life but I am exhausted. I will get excited about something but then little things deflate what little energy and happiness I had.

It doesn’t help that even though I’m tired, I see everyone else doing what seems like literally everything all the time. Some of these people have way more responsibilities than I have such as children, grad school, or even another job yet they’re killing life and doing it with a giant smile of their face at all time. This is when I start to get the pit of guilt in my stomach.  I think about how all these people are doing all these things to help their world out and here I am sitting in the dark with my cat hiding from human interaction.

Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert and this season of constant gatherings is overwhelming. I tell myself I am doing enough but it’s hard. It’s hard not to compare yourself when you are constantly seeing what everyone is doing all the time. When the world is in a joyous state but you’re not experiencing joy. I start to think that I’m just a Scrooge and need to get over myself and I know there is so much good going on, but I’m just not feeling it.

The holidays can be tough. If you’re experiencing holiday blues, I’m right there with you.  There’s a lot going on and a lot to take in everyday. Even though there is so much that is merry and bright, sometimes I just need a silent night.