In the beginning, you can picture it. 

A family of 2 becoming 3. 

Excitement of welcoming this new concept fills your mind.

After the first month, it was almost a relief. 

Were you really ready for it to happen that quick? 

How many people actually get pregnant “the first time?”

A few more months pass.

You start to imagine what would happen if you got pregnant this month. 

Maybe the baby will share a birthday with a grandparent? 

Oh! Christmas is coming! You can share the news with a gift. 

You imagine the joy this will bring to your family and it fills your soul.

You start to think, this is the month.

Doodling potential names and envisioning the child but it still doesn’t happen.

After 6 months, you decide to take it more “seriously”. 

You research and discover terms you’ve never heard of before. 

Ovulation kits, basal temperature, TTC, DPO, Peak week…

You download a better app and start tracking everything.

You become hyper aware of your body.

Everything it’s doing and not doing…

You think, now I know what I’m doing. 

It will surely happen.

Summer comes with a new sense of hope.

It comes with less stress, and more time.

But it doesn’t happen…

The same negative results. 

After a year, it turns into fear.

Something is wrong.

You need to call a doctor but you also know you are afraid that something isn’t working.

You finally decide to call and can’t get into a specialist for 3 months.

So you continue to track and pray. 

Hey, maybe you will get pregnant before the appointment? 

Sometimes it just takes time, after all. 

Your appointment finally happens.

They send you for tests. 

Another month passes.

They refer you to another specialist but you can’t get in for 6 weeks. 

Bills start to pile up, why isn’t anything covered? You knew this but still why? You thought we were living in a society that states we should be “prolife.”

Meanwhile, each month is the same. 

It never gets easier. 

In fact, it gets worse.

People start to announce pregnancies and instead of being happy, you cry ugly tears.

Jealousy fills your soul. 

Emotions that didn’t exist before start to become routine. 

Each month is the same: tears, acceptance, hope, anger, tears.

It’s as if you’re rolling a dice and you never land on the right number. 

Is becoming a mother actually worth this?

People start to ask why you have cats on your Christmas cards.

When will you ever start having a “real” family?

All your life you debated on how many kids would make the perfect family.

Now all you want is one.

People who “accidentally get pregnant” seem like a cruel joke.

Will you just accept being a “cool aunt”?

Maybe God doesn’t think you should be a mother, that’s why you can’t get pregnant? 

When we have kids, becomes if we can have kids. 

Eventually you stop tracking. 

You need a break.

That family of 3 starts to get hazy.

You no longer can imagine what it would be like, because it doesn’t seem possible.

The cycle continues once more.