My body has carried me countless miles. Despite the difficulties of breathing as an asthmatic, it has proven it can do amazing things. It has run marathons, hiked mountains, and swam countless pools and oceans.

Yet, I shame it almost daily. I question why it can do all of the things but not look like the fitness models on social media? It’s changed so much in the last few years that I don’t recognize myself anymore.

I use to hear comments all the time about how skinny I was. I was known for being skinny. It was an identifier for myself for most of my life. Those comments are now silent and I can’t help but feel shame. Blaming myself for not restricting my diet and not picking healthy options in favor for comfort food.

I tell myself to make better food choices, only to ignore it and eat a doughnut. This then leads to more shame and blame. I didn’t run today, so I didn’t earn it. This notion is so ridiculous because food is fuel. Regardless of whether I exercised, I need to eat. When did eating become a reward instead of a requirement to survive?

I no longer identify with models but see myself relating to the Greek Statues. This in itself proves beauty is a societal construct changing with the times. My head rationalizes I am fine. I am worthy. I am strong and healthy. Yet, the doctor hands me a paper stating my BMI is becoming higher. I am overweight and what am I doing to stop this from continuing?

I constantly worry about the day I become pregnant. If my body changes scare me already, what will happen when it no longer is my own? When it goes through the most extreme changes and becomes the home to a new life?

Yet the thing I fear most is having a daughter. I know the echoes they could hear if I continue to hate on my body. The fear of looking “fat” and not being confident in myself is something I do not want my child to inherit.

I am aware I am not special when it comes to these intrusive thoughts. I know we cannot always maintain or expect to look like we did 10 years ago. That maybe long ago wasn’t the healthy version of myself and right now is better?

Yet, it’s hard to rewire the brain to think differently. It is hard to see yourself changing and not fully grasping what is happening. It is a process. It is a journey that I don’t know if I ever will fully accept and embrace but awareness is the first step.

I did not write this to throw myself a pity party or seek compliments and reassurance. I wrote this because I know I’m not alone and wonder if we can change these thoughts? Those comments about being skinny was the only comment I ever really got growing up, or at least the one that sticks in my head the most. What can we do as a society to shift the mind that we are more than our weight, our BMI, and to embrace our body and the changes that come with it?