Tag: #growth

I had the Best Interview of my Life, and then I Cried

It’s been a hard school year. A really hard and challenging school year. There’s 7 days left with students, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m dying for the stress of student behavior, academics, grades, and planning to be over. I’m running on survival mode and just trying to keep positive but by the end of the day I’m a grumpy, hot, mess.

There have been times this year I really hated my job. I felt like a failure and didn’t even know if I wanted to be a teacher anymore. It didn’t help that the winter was long and bitterly cold, but I was in a funk I could not shake. Along with being a miserable winter my district was planning on cutting 100 teachers and staff and I knew my job was in danger. Fast forward to March and I found out I was involuntarily transferred to another middle school. I was fortunate to still have a job. However, my current school, despite the challenge, has been my home for three years. It is where I’ve grown the most as an educator and even though I’ve had some really tough days I am proud of my kids and the work of my co-workers.

I decided this transfer was my sign to start applying for elementary jobs. I have been wanting to try elementary again since that’s what I always intended to teach. I also knew I should not give up on teaching yet until I try a different grade level and school. I started to get excited about the idea of being back with younger kids and was hopeful for the next year.

I have probably applied for over 50 jobs. About half of those jobs have been internal positions in which I thought I would at least get an interview but have only heard back from three schools. I knew it would be hard since so many people in my district got moved to different buildings and probably wanted a say in what they were teaching. I have gotten a lot of denial emails and started to feel down again. Maybe elementary was just not in the cards?

Last Thursday, after having another challenging day at school, I was sitting up in bed when I got an email at 9:30 PM stating I was selected for an interview for an elementary position. The school district that sent me this email is the complete opposite of my current school district. My current district has a high percentage of kids in poverty while this district has a significant lower poverty percentage.  I was in shock that I had finally heard from this school district having applied back in February. My hopes rose again and I started to panic. This was a HUGE interview for me. I started to go back and look at all my lessons making a list of things I have done that make me stand out. This district was stable, my current district not so much, and I knew this was a big opportunity that I could not pass up.

Today was my interview. I was nervous but felt more prepared than my previous interviews. The questions went well. I felt like I had more specific examples and the interview became very conversational and not just question and then answer. I started to feel comfortable and confident.

We had finished up questions and I started to ask my own questions, when one of the principals asked, “You could be moving districts, what would your students say if they found out you were moving to another school district?”

This is when I lost it. I started to cry in front of five strangers, four principals and the director of elementary education.

You see, I have not told my students I had been transferred because I was waiting until I knew for sure where I would be in case I got an elementary position. I had been dreading this conversation since I found out I had been cut from my building. I did not want my students to think I was another person leaving them behind. Despite all their flaws, I care for these kids so much. I wont’ lie, I complain about them but am the first to defend them to people outside of my school.

My students are tough to like sometimes, but so easy to love. They say and do things that they shouldn’t but they are MY kids and I love them all individually. Sometimes, they just need someone to listen and care. Their stories are heart breaking and when I’ve sat and gotten to know them it puts everything in perspective. You see, that’s all they want. They want to be heard but people often see the behavior and start the judgment before they even get to know the students.

So after crying, I was honest with my interviewers. I said they would miss me and question why I was leaving. I have felt this guilt about applying outside the district because I know that even though I don’t always feel like a good teacher, I am good for these kids. My students deserve good teachers too, but I want some control in my destiny and this is why I was applying to other schools.

All of the people at my interview could tell I cared. Heck, this was the first time I realized just how much I care. I think all the stress had been building up from this year and I finally had my breaking point. I got an apology from the principal who asked the question and another principal told me tears were a sign of sincerity and passion. She also said to keep my head held high and that every student deserves that kind of love.

I should hear back from this district within the next week or two. I literally put my heart and soul into that interview. Gosh, I even had an Oscar worthy cry session in front of them so I know despite what the results might be, I did my best.

I wish education was truly equal. I wish all students had the same opportunities. I wish we were given more funding for students who need emotional and behavioral support instead of all the cuts. I wish teachers, paras, and all other support staff were treated with dignity and respect. I wish so many things for the sake of education, but unfortunately more negative things have happened lately than positive.

I know I can’t change policies or funding, but I can try and be a change for my students whoever they may be the next year.

 

Mama didn’t Raise a Quitter, but maybe she should Have?

“Larissa, you seriously don’t have to finish that drink,” my friend proclaimed worried watching me take a deep breath holding a rather large drink in my hands.

“Mama didn’t raise no quitter!” I exclaimed in a drunken state chugging the remainder of the drink in one giant gulp. I had just finished a drink called the Road Raper, which got its’ name from the large amount of alcohol in the drink which included EverClear among many others. I previously had been at another bar and was already quite drunk before deciding to do this drinking challenge.

Even though I was successful in my endeavor to defeat the Road Raper (I still have the cup to prove it) the trip home  was not very successful. I still remember barely making it to my bed and watching the ceiling spin until I finally threw up the massive amount of alcohol in my stomach. The next day I regretted my decision and thought maybe mama should have told me it’s OK to quit sometimes.

Now don’t get me wrong, because my mom raised me not to quit is the reason I’ve been successful in many aspects of my life. I would have never survived training for my first marathon in one of the worse winters we’ve had in a long time without the don’t quit mentality. I’m constantly trying to push myself to do new things and prove people wrong and a lot of that stems from my up bringing of hard work results in a huge pay off. In many ways this is true but I also think “don’t quit” can be a dangerous mantra.

For example, growing up we never missed school unless we had a fever or puking our guts out. Now in my adult life, I tell myself I can’t miss work and am pretty sure I’ve gone to work with a fever and never even knew it. There has been so many times I’ve probably should have stayed home but didn’t want to appear weak or make other people do extra work because of my absence. When in fact, it is good to take a break especially when one is sick in order to not get worse or others sick.

Another thing that worries me about the don’t quit mentality is the impact it can have on personal relationships. For almost three years I dated a guy who had no real interests in me but I was smitten and thought it would eventually work out. I should have blocked his number after the first year, but instead hung on to the idea that one day our stars would align and we would be both be happy together. Instead, I wasted my time on someone who only wanted to hang out when he was bored.

Now, in my situation I at least just had someone who was harmless, just didn’t want any commitment. Some people don’t want to quit a relationship because it could be dangerous for their safety, they’re manipulated into thinking they need this person, or they have a family with this person and think they must stay for the purpose of their family. If they walk out on this relationship they are quitting on their family which is not healthy either for mental stability especially if this relationship is toxic.

Careers are another huge thing that society tells us we shouldn’t ever leave or quit. Yes, people tell you to have a job that makes you happy but people also hate on those who don’t work and make money. When you quit a job, sometimes it feels like you’re leaving a family or betraying people for your own selfish reasons but is it really that bad or is it just what we think people think?

It’s hard to find a balance of “is my job tough or do I hate my job?” which is something I’m struggling with currently. I’m constantly thinking is the mental strain worth the money and benefits or would I be happier working at Starbucks? Is it my career or is it the building? Do I need to go back to school? Or am I just lazy and need to suck it up? These questions haunt me and I’m sure others feel the same way. For me, I’m afraid it won’t be better at another place or another career. Is the grass always greener or am I really in a sucky situation where I need to escape while I’m still ahead and not completely stuck? I guess no one knows until they take that chance.

Quitting is never easy which is why many people just suck it up  but it can be such a relief once it is said and done. I remember the day I decided to quit basketball after my freshmen year. To this day it’s one of the hardest things I ever have done. I knew I was disappointing my family but I seriously hated my life that year I played high school basketball even though I loved the sport. I felt like I was letting my younger self down who always dreamed of being a varsity girl’s basketball player but it wasn’t worth the constant pit in my stomach before practice. Yes, I let a lot of people down but in the end no one really cared that I quit and I was happier because of it. I was able to focus more on running where I loved my teammates and felt like I belonged.

One person I’ve always admired is my youngest brother who doesn’t take shit from anyone. Maybe it’s because he was always smaller and knew he had to be tough, but he never let anyone get the best of him. Recently, he got an offer to help manage his college basketball team. After being disrespected and feeling like he was doing way more than he should have to do, he quit mid season because he knew he didn’t deserve to be treated the way he did. Even though many of us tried to convince him to stay for the sake of his twin, he stuck to his gut and is happier because of it. He is a prime example of quitting doesn’t mean you’re weak. It can mean you have the strength to know your worth and leave a situation that doesn’t benefit you.

So instead of saying mama didn’t raise a quitter, I’m changing my phrase to mama raised a fighter.  A fighter has the ability to know when to persevere through the struggle and the courage to know when enough is enough.