It’s been a hard school year. A really hard and challenging school year. There’s 7 days left with students, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m dying for the stress of student behavior, academics, grades, and planning to be over. I’m running on survival mode and just trying to keep positive but by the end of the day I’m a grumpy, hot, mess.

There have been times this year I really hated my job. I felt like a failure and didn’t even know if I wanted to be a teacher anymore. It didn’t help that the winter was long and bitterly cold, but I was in a funk I could not shake. Along with being a miserable winter my district was planning on cutting 100 teachers and staff and I knew my job was in danger. Fast forward to March and I found out I was involuntarily transferred to another middle school. I was fortunate to still have a job. However, my current school, despite the challenge, has been my home for three years. It is where I’ve grown the most as an educator and even though I’ve had some really tough days I am proud of my kids and the work of my co-workers.

I decided this transfer was my sign to start applying for elementary jobs. I have been wanting to try elementary again since that’s what I always intended to teach. I also knew I should not give up on teaching yet until I try a different grade level and school. I started to get excited about the idea of being back with younger kids and was hopeful for the next year.

I have probably applied for over 50 jobs. About half of those jobs have been internal positions in which I thought I would at least get an interview but have only heard back from three schools. I knew it would be hard since so many people in my district got moved to different buildings and probably wanted a say in what they were teaching. I have gotten a lot of denial emails and started to feel down again. Maybe elementary was just not in the cards?

Last Thursday, after having another challenging day at school, I was sitting up in bed when I got an email at 9:30 PM stating I was selected for an interview for an elementary position. The school district that sent me this email is the complete opposite of my current school district. My current district has a high percentage of kids in poverty while this district has a significant lower poverty percentage.  I was in shock that I had finally heard from this school district having applied back in February. My hopes rose again and I started to panic. This was a HUGE interview for me. I started to go back and look at all my lessons making a list of things I have done that make me stand out. This district was stable, my current district not so much, and I knew this was a big opportunity that I could not pass up.

Today was my interview. I was nervous but felt more prepared than my previous interviews. The questions went well. I felt like I had more specific examples and the interview became very conversational and not just question and then answer. I started to feel comfortable and confident.

We had finished up questions and I started to ask my own questions, when one of the principals asked, “You could be moving districts, what would your students say if they found out you were moving to another school district?”

This is when I lost it. I started to cry in front of five strangers, four principals and the director of elementary education.

You see, I have not told my students I had been transferred because I was waiting until I knew for sure where I would be in case I got an elementary position. I had been dreading this conversation since I found out I had been cut from my building. I did not want my students to think I was another person leaving them behind. Despite all their flaws, I care for these kids so much. I wont’ lie, I complain about them but am the first to defend them to people outside of my school.

My students are tough to like sometimes, but so easy to love. They say and do things that they shouldn’t but they are MY kids and I love them all individually. Sometimes, they just need someone to listen and care. Their stories are heart breaking and when I’ve sat and gotten to know them it puts everything in perspective. You see, that’s all they want. They want to be heard but people often see the behavior and start the judgment before they even get to know the students.

So after crying, I was honest with my interviewers. I said they would miss me and question why I was leaving. I have felt this guilt about applying outside the district because I know that even though I don’t always feel like a good teacher, I am good for these kids. My students deserve good teachers too, but I want some control in my destiny and this is why I was applying to other schools.

All of the people at my interview could tell I cared. Heck, this was the first time I realized just how much I care. I think all the stress had been building up from this year and I finally had my breaking point. I got an apology from the principal who asked the question and another principal told me tears were a sign of sincerity and passion. She also said to keep my head held high and that every student deserves that kind of love.

I should hear back from this district within the next week or two. I literally put my heart and soul into that interview. Gosh, I even had an Oscar worthy cry session in front of them so I know despite what the results might be, I did my best.

I wish education was truly equal. I wish all students had the same opportunities. I wish we were given more funding for students who need emotional and behavioral support instead of all the cuts. I wish teachers, paras, and all other support staff were treated with dignity and respect. I wish so many things for the sake of education, but unfortunately more negative things have happened lately than positive.

I know I can’t change policies or funding, but I can try and be a change for my students whoever they may be the next year.