Are You the Bully, the Defender, or Bystander?

In college, we spent a whole day in class talking about bullying. There is a thing called the Bullying Cycle. The cycle explains different people involved in bullying. There is the bully, the victim, henchmen, defenders, and the passive onlookers. The professor asked who is the worst person in this scenario? Many people think it is the bully or the henchmen but in fact it is the people who watch from afar and refuse to acknowledge the problem. You see, if people spoke up instead of watch, the bully loses power and becomes a fool. Bullies feed off of attention and fear but when the role is reversed they are put in their place and becomes powerless. The person who ignores the problem is just as much of a bully as the person who does the actual bullying because they allow it to happen.

This hit hard for me. When I was in high school, I watched so many times as one student in particular got bullied almost daily. It wasn’t always to their face but I realize now when I heard the jokes in silence I was feeding the fuel because I made it seem like it was OK for that person to be the subject of all the jokes. This is my biggest regret in high school. I did not have the courage to speak up for my classmate because I did not want to become the target. I realize now because I did not speak up I was also a bully.

Now as I watch the news and read articles I see the bully cycle all over outside of the school day. Are we to sit in silence and watch as certain people bully their way into power? We watch as people make excuses into why things are happening and how it is not their problem because they have bigger problems to worry about. Who is to decide what is a problem and what can be ignored? If we are aware of an issue and do not speak up for it we are as much as to blame as those who are in power.

“Our lives begin to end the day we decide to become silent about things that matter,” Martin Luther King Jr.

It is your choice. Are you going to be the bystander or are you going to be the defender?

Exposure-The Key to Fight Ignorance

I was in third grade when 9/11 happened. I remember coming home and seeing the footage of the planes crashing into the towers and being confused by what was happening. That imaged is stuck in my mind as I’m sure it is for many others. The other image that is stuck in my mind is the news constantly showing people who were part of al-Qaeda. The first day of my life that I was ever really exposed to a group of people from the Middle East was also the first day that I learned the word terrorists. So naturally, as a third grader I had the mindset that anyone who looked like the people on TV was a terrorists because no one had taught me different. My teacher did a good job explaining why it happened as much as she could but no one taught me anything about the Middle East. Even when I was in high school no teacher really taught about Islam or that al-Qaeda was a small section of Islam just like the KKK is a small section of Christianity.

Flash forward to my first job at college which was working at the campus coffee shop. My college had a large group of students from Saudi Arabia but when I saw them I assumed they were all from Iran, Iraq, or Afghanistan because they were the only countries I knew from that region due to the negative attention they got in the media. My first interaction with a Saudi Arabian student was a woman in a burqa ordering a latte and I was so nervous I gave her too much change back. I had never seen a woman in the flesh completely covered head to toe with just her eyes showing except on T.V. I instantly felt horrible for her. Why did her religion make her do such a thing? I didn’t understand because I was ignorant and knew nothing about culturally responsiveness at the time.

As I continued to work on campus, I interacted with more Saudi Arabian students and guess what? They were human just like myself. A lot of them were funny and would make jokes whenever they saw me. Eventually, I applied to be a conversation partner where I met with an international student to help them work on their English. Through that program, they had different events where people came to listen to other people talk about their culture. The night I attended, a young man from Saudi Arabia spoke up being Muslim. He explained that it was the religion of peace and how hard it was to explain to people that it was more than just what they saw in the media. Through that experience, I realized how little I truly knew about the world and how much I had to learn.

What I’m trying to convey, is that it shouldn’t have taken until I was in college to learn about different countries in the Middle East and the Islamic Religion. I carried a strong bias with me for 10 years and if I had not attended college I would still be carrying that bias. I was forced to interact with a different culture because of my job at the college and if I didn’t have that exposure I would still be ignorant.

When I taught kindergarten in Arizona I saw how my young students interacted with each other and they did not see color. I had students who were Native American, Hispanic, African American, and Caucasian all play together in harmony. Sure, they tattled, fought, and played a little too rough sometimes but they did not judge each other based on their culture because that was all they knew. It was truly a beautiful experience to see no bias in that classroom.

Now, I know for many people they are not as fortunate to grow up in such a diverse population. Unless you live in a large Urban area you may not see many people who are that different from yourself. However, there are amazing books out there even for small children that encourages learning about other cultures and I hope more people explore those resources.

As educators, parents, and humans in general we should try and challenge ourselves to learn more about people who are different from us to defeat cultural bias. The earlier we expose children to people who come from different places the more likely we will have a generation who shows love, empathy, and understanding rather than ignorance, bias, and hate.

Why Not?

Anyone who has ever graduated college will have heard praises of “Congrats grad! Way to go! You did it!” It’s all fun and filled with merriment until people start getting to the most daunting questions ever.

“So what’s next? Do you have a job? Where are you planning on staying? Oh no job? Have you applied to this? Have you looked here? I’m sure something will come along.”

Maybe you were one of the lucky ones. The lucky graduates who have had a job offer since March and only had to wait until they crossed the stage to be an official employed adult. Or you were like me and had to be blunt with Great Aunt Dorthy that no you didn’t have a job and frankly you had no idea what the hell you were going to do after getting that shiny new diploma and were praying to every God in the universe that you would find some job before those nasty student loans kicked in.

Lucky for me, I graduated with my teaching degree so I at least knew I was going to be a teacher. My goal was to get a job close to my family. Ideally, close enough I could live with a family member and save some money.

What ended up happening was the complete opposite of close to home. A few months before graduation, I attended my college’s job fair. My cooperating teacher told me to interview as much as I could for the experience and I did. This job fair was huge. Not only were there schools from all over Iowa, there were schools from all over the country. I was about to leave the job fair, after talking to a dozen or so schools, when I was stopped by a man asking me if I ever thought about teaching in Arizona. In my mind, I had no desire to move across the county especially to Arizona, but I wanted interview practice so I agree to interview for a job in Parker, Arizona.

I left the job fair feeling hopeful and more confident about the job hunt. When friends and family asked about the job fair I always joked that I interviewed with a school in Arizona but always reassured them it was for interview practice. I actually heard back from Arizona before graduation via email about a third or fourth grade job but it was easy to ignore because I hadn’t even graduated yet. I was thinking there was no way I was going to take a job out there and settle right away.

Graduation came and went and towards the end of May I was getting anxious. I was tired of getting asked questions about the job search. Even though I still had plenty of time before the school year started I was feeling restless from applying to various jobs, interviewing, and hearing nothing. One day I got a random call from Arizona. I thought it was funny because I had told the principal I was not interested in moving out there but this time it was from the primary school principal. She was such a nice lady on the phone and I wanted more interview practice so I agreed to another interview over the phone. After the interview for a kindergarten job, a grade level I swore I would never teach, I got a call within the week asking if I would accept this job offer. This time I was not confident in what I wanted to do. I had one week to make my decision and so the pro and con lists started.

Talking to my family, I had mixed reviews. My Dad couldn’t decide what he thought. I knew he was scared out of his mind of me moving so far from home and my Mom always says the same thing when it comes to advice which is “it’s up to you,” which of course is super helpful advice when you have no idea what you want to do. Time was ticking and I still had no decision.

One beautiful summer evening I was at my good friend’s house sitting by a fire with her mom and her mom’s friend. The job in Arizona came up and her mom’s friend looked at me with all seriousness and simply asked, “Why not?”

Those two simple words have changed my life. No one had ever asked me, why not? Why not move across the country and explore a new area I’ve never even heard of before? Why not have new experiences, meet new people, and immerse myself in a culture that I’ve only ever read about in social studies textbooks? When it came down to it I had nothing holding me back. I was single, young, and really was clueless into what I wanted in life. I could always move back. Why not give it a year and see where this crazy thing called life takes me?

In the end, I accepted the job as a kindergarten teacher in Parker, Arizona. In early July, I packed my car with my clothes and drove across the country knowing no one and having no idea what I was getting myself into. I only made it a year in Arizona but I regret nothing. Moving across the country and living in a complete different place from where I grew up challenged me but also made me a better person. I met so many amazing people and had the opportunity to teach a group of wonderful, unique, and inspiring children. This move gave me confidence and a true sense of independence. If I had never moved and never asked myself “what if?” I would not have the courage to travel to Tanzania this summer.

Life is short and the best parts are those moments when we take that leap of faith. Why not move away, take a new job, travel, start a business, learn a new language, or even jump out of that airplane? Do what makes you happy. Become a person that does something, not just talks about it.

Yes, change is scary. It was not easy moving to Arizona. I had some moments that really pushed me mentally and emotionally but I also had some of the best days of my life out there. Nothing worth it in life is an easy choice. The most amazing moments are the ones that tests our strength. So the next time you have an opportunity don’t let it slip by making you think “what if?” Instead, I urge you to go for it and ask why not?