The Flower won’t Grow

Choices, so many choices. We get to choose simple things such as deciding what to eat. Then there’s more complex things, such as career choices and where to settle.

Choices are never easy. However, I always felt that if I believed in my choice and was dedicated to it, I would succeed.

So when I made the choice to grow a flower, I picked out the most perfect spot for it.

I researched and studied to make sure I planted the flower in the right location. I made sure to give the seed water, light, and attempted to provide extra nutrients.

But for the first time in my life, despite my beliefs and my effort, the seed would not grow.

Many people knew I had planted a seed and wanted to know if it had bloomed.
The questions were innocent but they stabbed at my heart. I was failing.

I was trying so hard, but I was failing. How do I tell people I could not produce a flower, despite my best efforts?

I thought I had the perfect location. The healthiest of soils, but it didn’t matter. It would not grow.

I would see other people attempt to grow the same flower with success. Instead of being happy for their success, I was crushed and confused.

Crushed under the weight of my guilt for not being happy for them.

Confused on how people could be so successful under the same or worse conditions.

Crushed at my own failed attempts.

Confused by the multitude of emotions that came crashing in like a storm at sea.

Crushed under a sadness that felt heavier than any other sadness I’ve ever experienced.

Confused by all the advice. Should I try something new? Or give up altogether? Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to change everything?

Choices. So many choices that are in our control. But this plant, this seed, is out of my control.

—

It’s Time we start seeing each other “I 2 I.”

It was a beautiful Saturday morning and I had just finished my weekly long run when the song I 2 I came on my running playlist. Talk about nostalgia! Now if you don’t know this song, you probably haven’t seen The Goofy Movie or have forgotten it existed. (To listen to the song click here). I loved watching The Goofy Movie as a kid and it was probably my top 10 favorite Disney Movies of all time. The main point of the movie is Goofy wants to get closer to his teenage son Max, but being a teenager Max wants to do his own thing and is easily embarrassed by his Dad.

Now, I’m not sure why it took 27 years for me to finally get the point of the song I 2 I but it did. As a kid, I thought it was just a cool song to end the movie. I now realize how this song is about truly listening to understand to form connections such as one from a parent to a child during the teen years. The lyrics go, ” If we listen to each other’s heart, we find we’re never too far apart. And maybe love is the reason why, for the first time ever we’re seeing it eye to eye.” Throughout the movie, Goofy and Max are putting both of their individual needs before actually trying to understand where the other one if coming from. Goofy thinks the way to get Max to like him again is to smother him with attention and bond over a father son trip where Max just wants space and doesn’t realize how much his Dad misses hanging out with him.

As I listened to the lyrics, I realize how this song more than ever applies to our current situation in our world. It’s an election year, there’s a global pandemic and Black Lives Matter is awakening people to the social injustices of our country. Due to all of these things happening people have opinions and boy do people have opinions. My social media is mostly people sharing articles to make people aware of what’s going on as well as comments that state more or less “you’re wrong, I’m right.” Clearly, we as a nation are not seeing I 2 I.

I’m an empathetic person. It was one of my biggest strengths when I took a strength quest test in college but I also have opinions. It is hard to not look at someone’s opinion on social media that I do not agree with and not get angry or upset especially when it seems to me that there are obvious wrong and right answers here but that’s the thing, there are not always right or obvious answers. If you are truly using empathy, no matter how ridiculous you think someone’s ideas are you have to think about where they are coming from and why they think the way they do. Being truly empathetic requires you to look at all sides of a situation. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with a person, but it helps you better understand where they are coming from.

For example, person A may feel like we still need strict lock downs and person B wants to go on living life. If we actually listen to Person A we may realize that person A has someone sick at home and is afraid of bringing the virus home to their family member. Their fear is the idea that they could bring death literally into their home. However, person B has depression and being off of work has caused this to grow worse. Maybe person B needs socialization in order to get out of slump and zoom calls are just not cutting it. If we take the time to listen to both people, can we not come up with a compromise? Instead, we call person A a snowflake who doesn’t care about personal freedoms and the economy and we call person B a selfish person who doesn’t care about others. Sounds silly doesn’t it?

Instead of being empathetic, social media has become an avenue for shaming people and I am guilty of this as well. I get fired up about a topic and I want to shake the world’s head and scream “Why is this happening and why can’t you see this is wrong.” But this tactic is shame. According to the Oxford dictionary shame is defined as, “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” If you don’t believe people are at least attempting to shame people on social media read any comments from a local news station and you will see how grown adults act and argue like a toddler.

Posting about a topic that one is passionate about is fine and dandy but if that person comes off as condescending or pointing a finger at others, it’s not going to cause people to change. Instead it causes resentment, anger, or sadness to where they feel helpless on where to even start changing.

We think people should know better because the internet has so much information but remember we still live in a bubble even on the internet. Who we choose to follow, interact with, and even the pages we like all impact what we see. I can choose to look at someone who may post something I don’t agree with and think they are an idiot but does that actually help? If instead I take the time to ask why they think this and see where they are coming from I can get better insight on to why we think differently. Just a warning, these conversations are much better said in person and not on the internet where things can be easily misconstrued.

We’re living in a time where there’s a lot of tension and unknowns. If we listen with love and understanding instead of hate, I think we will find more solutions. Just like in The Goofy Movie, when Max and Goofy took time to understand each other they were able to build a better relationship and not fight as much. Disagreements are fine. It’s important that we don’t all think the same way but we need to learn on how to communicate effectively and to lead by love and not hate.

My Elementary Teachers Lied to Me

My elementary teachers lied to me. I remember learning about history in elementary school because it was mostly the same thing every single time. We started with Christopher Columbus and learned the cute little poem. I was told he was a hero and didn’t learn until junior year of high school that he did some shady things such as destroy a whole nation’s way of life, brought diseases, and captured local people just to name a few. As far as I know, my old school district still has Columbus day off.

After learning about the heroic efforts of Columbus, we dove into the world of the pilgrims. We were told how they left England due to religious persecution and were saved by Squanto from starvation because he happily helped them learn how to plant corn. This led us to Thanksgiving which made all of our young souls believe that the Native Americans (Who am I kidding? We used the term Indians because our school’s mascot was indeed an Indian) and the pilgrims were the best of friends. We got to dress up as either an Indian or a pilgrim and then go down to the cafeteria and eat random Thanksgiving foods on the floor in our “costumes.” Not going to lie, I loved this part of the school year. I loved decorating a paper headband and adding feathers to it to play the role of an “Indian”. Pocahontas was one of my favorite Disney movies and I wanted to be her. Yet, to my knowledge I have not one ounce of Native American blood in me. Knowing what I know now about cultural appropriation and how the relationship between the white settlers and the Native Americans were not all roses and rainbows, these innocent elementary activities make me cringe. I know my teachers had good intent. I am not sure the resources were out there like they are today for multicultural teaching. This is why it’s important to be open to learn more since there are more resources.

My first year of teaching I taught in Parker, Arizona. Parker is home to the Colorado River Indian Tribes. I learned so much more by just living there about Native American culture than I ever did in school. During my time teaching there, they celebrated CRIT Native American Days which falls in the beginning of October. It would be cool to see a shift of celebrating Columbus Day to teaching more about Native Americans. There is National Native American Day celebrated on the 2nd Monday in October and recognized by California and South Dakota. Hopefully, more states and eventually the country as a whole will recognize this day instead of Columbus Day.

The other history topic that I remember hearing over and over again in elementary school was Civil Rights. This happened usually around Martin Luther King Day. We would listen to his iconic “I Have a Dream” speech and fill out something about our dreams for the future. We talked about segregation and people like Rosa Parks and Ruby Bridges. My teachers did talk about the different schools, bathrooms, water fountains, and the peaceful protests during the Civil Rights Era but as a child it seemed that as soon as we got to the part where Dr. King was eventually shot, that ended everything. We moved on and it gave the impression that everything was OK. He was shot but people learned to be better and his dream was completed. America was the perfect country that loved its native people, ended slavery, and defeated racism and segregation. This was a lie. My teachers lied to me.

I respect my past teachers. They were great and I had a good education. I know times have changed and the idea of teaching racism in a small town community to elementary kids would be tough. I am sure it was frowned upon to even get into such topics and they wanted us to see love, not hate. Times have changed and there are more resources to teach young kids about different cultures in a way that’s respectful and dignified. Edutopia, Ted Talks, and Teaching Tolerance are just a few great resources for educators to talk about difficult topics. The internet was just starting to get big when I was in elementary school so I am grateful for resources that are at our fingertips today.

It wasn’t until college, that I learned our country was not perfect. I did have a high school history teacher who didn’t sugar coat things, but I still thought racism was over. I went to a predominately white high school. It seemed like there was no racism because there was no diversity and we knew nothing different. The only thing I knew about other cultures and races were what was shown on TV and unfortunately the city next to my small town had a lot of systematic racism which was portrayed on the media as black on black crime and gang violence. The city was very much divided and even as an ignorant kid I could see that. You didn’t stop on the West Side and avoided it at all cost.

Growing up, my Dad did a great job trying to expose us to different communities in the area. When we would drive to my grandparents’ house on the east side of the city he would purposely drive through the west side neighborhoods and down town. He often stopped at gas stations and grocery stores that were in “sketchy” areas. This often made me cry and scream that he was going to get us killed. I’m 27 and still alive today so obviously we were safe. At the time, I thought my Dad was being selfish making us drive in “not safe” areas of the city but now I realize his intentions were to make us see the good in the area and to destroy the negative images we had and replace them with truth from first hand experiences.

As a college student, I learned terms that I had never heard before in my life. Systematic racism, white privilege, racial profiling, ageism, and ableism were just a few terms that were brand new to me. As I learned these terms and read more about equity and equality I realized how broken our country is. Once I discovered the truth, I couldn’t hide in my ignorance any longer.

Here’s the thing, I didn’t realize half of what I didn’t know about racism and injustice in our country because I was ignorant. If I didn’t go to college and teach in some of the places I’ve taught I would have no idea the inequalities and broken social structures we have in place. I still have a white wash mind, I am trying to become more open minded and fix the things I have been taught but that doesn’t happen over night. It takes life experiences, learning through books or podcasts written by people of color, and listening to those who are oppressed and actually hearing them. I know not everyone has had these experiences and it’s OK. We can grow and learn everyday. It’s not too late.

It’s our job as white people to teach our people. Not all of our family, friends, and neighbors are aware of the racism, hate, and systematic oppression because they live in a bubble. I loved most of my teachers growing up, but I was taught a white washed view of history and had to learn to change my perspective on many topics. I don’t blame my past educators because maybe they didn’t know better, but if you know better it’s your job to be a voice of truth. As an educator, my mission is to not sugar coat things but to appropriately tell my students things are not roses and rainbows and we can and must do better. Civil Rights did not end with Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks and we have so much more to do and learn.

I am not done learning. I will never be done learning. As our country currently engages in protests for the black community do not think that when this is over it is done. There is a lot of work to be done to fight racism and it will not happen over night. Think also of our people who are Latino, Muslim, and Chinese just to name a few. These groups are also experiencing constant hate from ignorance and lack of understanding of their culture. There is so much more to know and to learn. The best ways to becomes less ignorant is to read about different cultures, learn about white privilege, travel, and engage in conversation with people who are different from you.

Let’s stop lying to ourselves. We can do better.

10 Things that are Helping me Deal with Covid 19

Lately, I’ve been struggling a lot and I’m sure I’m not alone. It is normal to struggle because things aren’t normal. We’re dealing with a global crisis which many of us have never experienced. Below is a list of 10 things I have found have helped me and might be beneficial to others as well.

1. Contact Family and friends often

Even though we can no longer see each other in person, I have found that I’m reaching out to my family and friends more often that before the pandemic. I have made use of Snap chat, Marco Polo, Zoom, and phone calls. This always makes me feel better and it’s a nice break from isolation. Just think if you’re missing your loved ones they’re probably missing you too, so reach out. : )

2. Turn off the news and stop reading updates constantly

The first week when things went from “we got this under control” to “everything needs to shut down now” I was constantly looking at news updates. The information quickly overwhelmed me and it seemed like everyone and their mother was posting updates. Things were changing by the minute and even now things continue to change daily. There was no way my poor anxiety could handle all of the changes. I finally decided to limit my time on social media and not watch the news as much. I started unfollowing people on my social media who were being overly negative. I understand COVID 19 needs to be taken very seriously, but all of the negativity and abundance of information was causing my head to spin. Life has been a lot better since I started setting limits of my exposure to news.

3. Set Boundaries

Just like setting limits on the news, you might want to consider setting other boundaries. Many people are now working from home so it’s good to be able to differentiate between when is “work time” vs when is “family time” vs. “me time.” This is especially important if you have children who also need support with school and navigating through what’s going on with the world. If you have flexibility with your work schedule, maybe take more breaks throughout the day. It’s important to be mindful of when you need a break. Self care is extremely important, especially during this time.

4. Make a schedule and set goals, but don’t feel bad if you don’t accomplish them

Schedules are important. Some people might need to write out their whole day, others might just want to make a list of things they want to get done. I think it’s important to try and maintain a consistency in your life. I know this may be hard for some people, but it can make a difference and helps me still find purpose in my day . Goals are exciting because it keeps you motivated. Maybe you have a goal to learn a new hobby or skill? The big thing with goals is don’t get angry or upset if you don’t finish them. I had a goal since March to clean out our guest bedroom and I never touched it until the beginning of April. Things that are not necessary to your health will get done when they need to. Don’t stress about little things.

5. Calm your mind

I don’t know about you, but my mind will often race at night. I will be fine all day but then just as I’m about to go to bed, all of the things that have been stressing me out comes rushing into my brain. I have started using Down Dog which is an awesome personalized Yoga App. It’s been super helpful to get in a better state of mind and just take time to stretch. I’m also trying to not look at my phone an hour before bed to prevent seeing any negative news before trying to sleep. Calm and Headspace are also great Apps for stressful times and meditation.

6. Play a game

The best thing about being in quarantine is things that you’ve never had time for can come back such as playing games. My husband and I have invested in a Nintendo Switch so we can play video games together that we both enjoy. It’s a nice way to spend some time and to get away from reality. I feel like the only time I ever played games before was at family holiday parties, so it’s nice to have an excuse to bust out some old board and card games.

7. Exercise the mind and body

Even though I am still teaching from home, I am not putting out as much energy as I use to during a typical school day. I find if I don’t exercise or do something to challenge my brain, it’s harder to fall asleep at night. Puzzles, crosswords, Sudoku, and other mind challenges can help your brain use some energy if you feel like you’re not getting enough use of it during the day. Taking time to go for walks, run, bike, or home workouts can also help release endorphins to make your body and brain happy.

8. Don’t compare yourself to others

This is just a life rule in general, but don’t feel bad if you aren’t making gourmet meals every night like your neighbor Susie or if you’re not learning a new language like your cousin Fred. Everyone is dealing with this situation differently and if take out and Netflix is how you need to deal with COVID 19, than you do you.

9. Don’t feel guilty about others, but empathize

My husband and I are suppose to go on our Honeymoon in July but I feel like I can’t even be sad if it gets cancelled because I know so many people who are in fear of having to cancel or postpone their wedding. Since I have had lots of time to overthink, I started to feel bad about everything. I feel bad for seniors who are missing momentous occasions such as prom, sporting events, and graduation. I feel bad for those who have loved ones in the hospital that they can’t visit. I feel bad for still having a paycheck when others are off of work. I could continue this list of guilt for days but I realize I can’t feel guilty about all of these things, or I will go insane. Feeling guilty about things that you have that others don’t is just added stress. I have no control over a pandemic but I can reach out and be helpful to those who need it. Which brings me to my last point….

10. Make a list of things you can control

There are times I feel useless. It seems like every day there’s another thing to add to the list of bad things happening in the world. I have found it’s helpful to make a list of things I can control or positive things. Making a list of things you can control brings back a sense of independence from a situation that has us so dependent on political figures, media, and other people. It then makes me feel less guilty when I can rationalize to myself there are simply things I cannot prevent. It is important to realize these things to gain back control in your life that seems out of control.

This time we’re living in is difficult and your feelings are valid. Remember, you are enough and you’re doing great.

What Side of History do you want to be On?

What side of history do you want to be on? I have asked this question to my 5th grade class numerous times this school year. In 5th grade, we have dived deep into some heavy topics such as Revolutionary War, World War II, the Cold War, and before COVID19 hit we had just finished reading Through My Eyes, a memoir by Ruby Bridges.

Now if you have not read Through My Eyes, it’s an excellent story from Ruby’s own voice of what it was like to be a young black girl going to an all white school in the south. The words themselves are great to read, but the thing that struck my class and me the most are the pictures. This book has photographs of Ruby heading into the school escorted by US Marshalls while white people, mostly white mothers, are screaming and protesting that this young girl be taken away and to never let her set foot into their school. She was spat on, threatened, and there was even a picture of someone holding a black doll in a casket. This was her reality. A reality that today we look at as shameful and horrid. How could people do this to an innocent 6 year old girl? The pictures do not lie. The people in them appear hateful, racists, and evil.

Now as many 10 and 11 year old would, they questioned why did people do this? How could they? Are these people evil? I explained they are definitely not on the right side of history, but did they know better?

We talked about the culture of the south and the history of slavery. Slavery wasn’t that long ago and some people’s attitudes towards African Americans were not going to change over night, especially if their parents raised them to hate and they raised their own children that way as so on and so forth. It’s a cycle. A cycle that lives on today and if someone doesn’t change their mind they will continue to preach hate and think they are not wrong. I told them it’s easy to judge these people and the photos hold the truth, but what would be really interesting is to see if any of those people in those photos became aware of how horrible their actions were towards Ruby and other African Americans.

Personally, I applaud the people who change and become self aware of how their thoughts and actions might impact others. There was a lot of evil and hate in the photographs of Through my Eyes but I do not doubt someone from those photos realized the mistakes they had make. Can you imagine how hard that might be? If your whole life you had beliefs that were taught to you from a young age, could you change them?

I’m from the North. All throughout my schooling I learned how awful the south was and we were the “good guys” during the Civil War and in the Civil Rights Era. I was raised to treat all people with respect no matter what they looked like. My parents’ values and some of the school’s values became my own and it wasn’t until college, that I was able to make my own values and shape my own understanding of the world, piece by piece and I’m still not done figuring out my values, morals, and beliefs.

If my parents taught me that skin color matters and not to respect people would I still have my current values and beliefs? If my school preached segregation would I believe in integration? I always think back to church. I have nothing but respect for people who convert to Catholicism on their own. There was a few people I knew in college who did it for themselves and not even because they were marrying another Catholic. I can’t honestly say if I would be a Catholic on my own. I’m Catholic because my parents raised me that way, not because I chose this on my own account. Sure, I still practice Catholicism and attend church. I even recently got married in the Catholic church because it was an expectation. It’s familiar and I, like many others, appreciate familiarity. Change is hard.

It’s easy to judge, especially in today’s world when life is so chaotic and information is so easy to access. I fear that because information is so easy to get, we think people need to be able to change and become molded to fit our ideals. At times my social media is nothing but people bashing each other. I get it. I don’t understand a lot of things either, but there’s always two sides to a coin.

The United States went into a panic when COVID19 became a reality and not just some disease halfway across the globe. People started to gather supplies and hoard things. This resulted in grocery stores becoming bare and essential items nonexistent. People were angry about such greediness.

I was also angry about the lack of supplies and people taking way more than necessary but when I heard the news of these empty grocery stores, the first thing I told my husband was we needed to get to the store. Did we really need groceries? No, in fact we would have been fine for a few days, but my instincts told me to get things before everything was gone. It became a competition of who could find toilet paper and pasta.

You see most people’s first thoughts were not to go help other people. It was to fend for your family and yourself. We criticize the masses, but gosh I was not the first to think of other people. It wasn’t until I saw all the posts about helping the elderly that I realized my mistake.

It was then that I saw the beauty of this Pandemic. People started to help each other out. People volunteered to make masks, feed students and hospital workers, and pick up items for others who were at the most risk. Teachers started organizing parades and some companies still found a way to pay their employees.

The big buzz word of 2020 is social distancing. We shake our heads at the people we see still gathered in groups but again do they know better? Do they have parents at home to tell them to not go out? I get most of my “Don’t leave the house” information from Facebook. Do they have social media and if they do, do their friends post this information or is it just funny memes and tiktok videos? Do they even have internet access? How are some of our most vulnerable, such as our homeless population getting this information without libraries and other resources? Do we just shake our head and write a post about social distancing or do we inform and help?

This pandemic hasn’t been easy. Half of my family is in the at risk category, including myself. I worry about them and get teary eyed when people suggest we should just continue on with our lives and worry more about the economy than lives.

Yet, maybe these are some of the people who are out of work and aren’t getting paid at this time? They need the economy back to normal in order to thrive. This makes it a little more understandable.

The problem always boils down to what we know and our experiences. If you have no connection to what’s going on it’s going to be hard to empathize. I didn’t empathize with China at first. I literally thought, “Gee that sucks but it’s not my problem.” We need to change our mindset to value all human life. Maybe this is what this virus is trying to teach us? When bad things happen, it’s not just one person or country’s problem it’s all of our problems. However, we can’t just complain at what people are doing or not doing. We have to inform, teach, and reach out, from 6 feet away of course.

I realize not everyone can do this. For some people sitting at home is all they should be asked to do during this time, but some people might have the energy to do more, only they can decide that.

With COVID19, I didn’t realize my students were already going to have to ask themselves “What side of history do I want to be on?” We can’t change the virus but we can control our actions, our thoughts, and our words. Take time to reflect during this time, be the thread not the scissors that cuts us apart.

The Comeback Kid

Dear Reader,

I may or may not know you but I feel you. I understand life is not easy or fair and shit happens for no rhyme or reason. I’m here to tell you this moment or these moments that are crushing you, are what makes people come alive and determine our ability to be that Comeback Kid we see in the media. It’s not how we fall, but how we rise that matters.

Maybe you have recently experienced loss or heartache. That person you gave your life to is now the one who also took everything away. The pain stings of wasted time, energy, and hope. You put on a brave face because people rely on your positive energy and life even though you are struggling to just get out of bed in the morning. The pain is like rocks that suffocate your spirits but it is in these times that you need to stop and let others take care of some of these emotional burdens. It is NOT your job to help everyone else. This is the time to care for your SELF. This is the time to be selfish as you rediscover what makes you happy and you again. Go out and dance, rediscover hobbies and if they aren’t as fun find new ones. It may seem that life as you know it is over, but where you are is not a good place. Look instead to see this as the time to restart.

You might be the athlete who in a single moment saw their dreams go away as they fell to the ground. A scream pierces the arena and you realize it’s you. All those hours of slaving away at the gym, all those miles run, and all that pain from torture you put your body through is now wasted in a second from an injury the cripples the once powerful machine you have spent years creating. This moment will run through your head and the only way to get rid of it is to beat it. This moment will not define your accomplishments. How you react and overcome this moment will be your true story. The road bump is great but it doesn’t have to be the end. You create your destiny, not some injury.

To the one who has recently been diagnosed with illness, there is no way to sugar coat this. Sometimes, life just plain sucks and it’s not fair. These are the moments to find your values and live it. Use your friends and family and hold them close. Let others take care of you. Listen to the doctors, but also listen to your heart. Miracles happen and I believe love and support are part of that process. Believe you are the fighter everyone knows but also know it’s OK to be angry, curse, and scream but it’s not OK to let this defeat you.

For my people who are lost, I see you. When everything seems complicated and everyone else has it figured out know they really don’t. Go out and experience life because through experiences is where and how we find ourselves. Being lost and confused on what you are doing is scary because it’s unstable, but I envy you because you are not stuck in some box yet. Think of this as a way to figure out what you really want in life. It might take you weeks and it might take you your whole life but at least you can say you are doing this for YOU and not just to check boxes. Remember, life is not one single destination but it’s made up of tiny moments that take us on a journey of self discovery.

So no matter which Comeback Kid you are, I believe you will bounce back. Time is key. Though we want instant fixes, it’s the process of going through trying times that makes us into someone stronger than we ever thought possible. You have the tools. Now go out and live.

Sincerely,

Bee the Thread

The Otherside: A Poem

The Otherside

is neccessary to know,

To connect with others

To feel, love, and grow.

But once I took that first sip of knowledge,

I was no longer ignorant to pain, struggle, and sorrow.

It was suffocating,

Knowing I can no longer ignore it

And just foget about it tomorrow.

As I try live a life to the best of my ability,

Trying to advocate for the poor, sick, and those with a disability.

The knowledge of knowing their pain,

crushes me with guilt,

and makes my anxiety grow insane.

It would be easier to pretend,

That those stories are far away across the sea,

But I know different,

And it crushes me.

It can’t be ignored,

Not when wealth stares into my eyes,

While down the road,

An 11 year old sells coke to survive.

I have realized the starting line has never been equal,

And it favors some for no rhyme or reason,

This exploiting of the wealthy,

Is not me trying to start a treason.

But to those who shout on Sunday,

“Lord let me help my neighbor!”

I beg you to live out those words,

And do someone a favor.

When I visit the schools,

The hood, the shops,

It made me aware of the culture,

Understood the fear of cops.

I talked to the people,

heard their stories,

their truths.

It was not always easy to

not fear or judge,

or become aloof.

But this I tell myself everyday,

Ignorance and fear will destroy us,

But by bridging the gap,

understanding the problems they mention,

empathy will restore human connection.

Let’s get rid of the idea that “If I can do it, you can too.”

Ah yes the good old phrase, “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” is a staple in American culture. We in fact are the country of opportunity where many an immigrant has come to chase their fortune and better their life. America has many opportunities. I was able to become educated as a woman which is not something all countries have and I have moved freely multiple times without any problems which again is something not all people can do in other countries.

There’s a great debate going on with this next election that some canidates are pushing to get rid of student debt since it’s impacting many young people who want to buy houses, start a family, or even they just need money to survive. Those who do not agree with getting rid of student debt usually say something such as, “I was able to put myself through college working a part time job and I didn’t attend a fancy school and majored in a reasonable career not something like philsophy. Therefore, all you students made stupid choices and need to reap the seeds you have sown.”

Now before I argue why this mentality is the most horendous notion ever let me continue to say I do not think college should be free. I believe in toxic charity and the idea of just giving things away to people without them having to earn anything is not good. There is something said about knowing the value of working hard to achieve something and those who are just given things without any expecations sometimes take those things for granted. However here are some reasons why the “I did it this way so you can do it too” doesn’t fly.

Community College, Fancy College, You still can have Debt

I am one of the 44 million Americans who have student loan debt. I attended college out of state, but it was cheaper for me to attend school in Iowa. Yes, I could have attended the local community college and had significantly less debt but it was not the best choice for me. My brother, did attend a community college before going to the University that I attended and still has debt so this notion of going to community college first to prevent debt doesn’t neccessarily work anyways.

Most people I knew in college worked Part time if not Multiple Jobs

I have no idea why people think students don’t work today. All throughout college I had multiple jobs but minimum wage in Iowa is a $7.25. Please tell me how working even full time at $7.25 can pay for your college tuition? Working 40 hours at $7.25 is about $13,920 a year but I did not take out taxes so it would be signifcantly less. Average tuition in Iowa is about $9,000 but that does not include room and board and textbooks.

Not All Majors are “silly” and still make significantly less

I went to school to become a teacher. The amount of debt I have versus my monthly pay check doesn’t balance. My first year as a teacher I took home roughly $800 dollars every two weeks. Wal-Mart cashiers were making more than me. If I had a child, I would have qualified for food stamps. If anyone thinks education is a “silly useless” major they need to think of how that could significanlty impact our country. Teacher shortage is no joke but why would anyone want to go into a field where you pay the same amount of money for school as everyone else but make a lot less? I know I have had people tell me, “You knew that your income would be little, so don’t complain about the money that was your choice.” Well, OK buddy still doesn’t make it right. If no one fights for the equality of pay who will?

Social workers are dealing with similiar isues and many of them who go into social work need to get their masters to advance which is even more debt. A lot of programs where you get your masters, you must take a internship which is often unpaid and prevents you from working.

My only saving grace is hopefully in another 5 years I can apply for loan forgivenes. However, 99% of the people who applied for this have been denied so that outlook isn’t looking so good.

In my opinion, if Loan Forgivness Programs actually work, they are a great idea. People are earning their way back and can know that eventually they can see some relief. Right now loan forgivness programs are for careers such as educators, nurses, social workers, police officers, and firemen among many others.

Things aren’t the same as they were “back in the day”

Student loans interests rates are ridiculous. My current rate is almost 7%. My car loan on the other hand is 1%. I will have my car loan paid off soon while I won’t even be close with my student loan. Now, if there could be a plan to get those rates lowered or taken away more people could pay off their loans.

In 1980, the average cost of college for all four years was $9,970. Now, that’s one year of tutition. More people could pay off their college while working part time with that kind of cost but it’s not 1980 anymore.

People can not compared to what they went through if it was years ago. The standards are not the same.

Your life experience is not the same as everyone else

“If I can do it, you can too,” is not a logical statement. Everyone has different life experiences and circumstances. This is casting blame and judgement for those who are trying but can’t get out of poverty, debt, or addiction.

In the case of college debt, if you are a recent grad and made it out debt free maybe you have some say in this crisis. However, if you went to college 20 plus years ago remember the cost has increased signigicantly, interests rates are high, and the minimum wage has stayed stagnant for 10 years but prices have not.

Maybe you had a rough start to life and were able to make it. Congrats! However, not everyone can. It all comes down to wealth, race, and opportunities. If you don’t happen to get lucky in the gamble of life you might not make it out.

Sure, you can make your own luck by working hard but that doesn’t happen for everyone. For example, in order to get a decent job, you need to at least finish high school and go to trade school or maybe college. But, what if don’t finish high school because you’re reading level is significanlty lower than most which impacted your ability to learn and do well on tests? This didn’t just happen because you’re lazy, in fact you’re the opposite of lazy but you are tired. You’re tired of being behind in your class since kindergarten because your parents for some reason or another didn’t have time to help you or read to you or give you the love you needed to grow. Your teachers tried to get you the help you needed but increase class sizes and higher demands never closed the gap you so desperately needed. Maybe a private tutor in the summer would have helped but the cost of a tutor is $20 to $30 dollars an hour. Your parents couldn’t have afforded rent let alone a tutor.

Or maybe you have recently been diagnosed with depression. Aunt Susie says she knows a girl who has depression who started doing yoga and now she’s fine. Why don’t you start doing yoga? Sitting in bed isn’t going to help you out. You need to get out and live! Meanwhile, Aunt Susie doesn’t realize a symptom of depression is not being able to physically get out of bed to do the things needed to get better and the cycle continues.

We Need Empathy Not the Blame Game

I read a quote recently that states, “We need to stop putting others in their place, and put ourselves in their place.” People can judge all they want but unless you are that person you have no idea what is going on with them. Explaining to others that “I was able to do this so others can too if they act more responsible” is such a childish thing to say. It reminds me of when my sibilings got things that I never got and I would whine that “Why did I have to pay for this but they don’t have too?” Was it fair? Not neccessarily, but having things fair and having things equitable are two different things. The mature response is to be happy for the opportunites my brothers were able to get not to shame them or my parents.

This also applies to society. Just because you didnt’ get this chance does that mean everyone else should have to suffer? Progress does not happen if we were to say, “Well back in my day I had to drink at a separate water fountain so every other person should too.” That statement sounds ridiculous and though it’s an extreme it is also relevant to college debt crisis and other issues such as health care.

There is so more to a human than what appears at first glance. Humans are more than the mistakes they may have made. Sometimes, those mistakes are due to circumstance out of their control.

Life is a roll of the dice. Be grateful for the things you have and do not shun those who haven’t made the same progress as you.

It’s Not Equal

It’s Not Equal

Broken bathroom doors,

Water dripping,

Straight to the floor.

“Ghetto ass school,”

They mumbled.

1 to 1 has no one fooled.

It’s Not Equal

Lounges for students to collaborate and learn,

Clean and safe facilities,

No need for concern.

It’s Not Equal

$25 Dollars to spend on supplies for the year,

Limited copies,

Rummage the garbage cans and hope that pencils appear.

It’s Not Equal

Bright welcoming hallway,

Endless supplies,

“Need anything? Ask don’t pay”

It’s Not Equal

Chaos in the home,

Jail, Drugs, Deportation,

Thing children shouldn’t struggle with alone.

It’s Not Equal

Books read every night,

Supportive families

Help pay for field trips that bring learning to life.

It’s Not Equal

They take the funding away just to watch the poor fall,

Cut teachers, cut programs,

But wait, America has equal educational opportunities for all?

It’s Not Equal

I had the Best Interview of my Life, and then I Cried

It’s been a hard school year. A really hard and challenging school year. There’s 7 days left with students, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m dying for the stress of student behavior, academics, grades, and planning to be over. I’m running on survival mode and just trying to keep positive but by the end of the day I’m a grumpy, hot, mess.

There have been times this year I really hated my job. I felt like a failure and didn’t even know if I wanted to be a teacher anymore. It didn’t help that the winter was long and bitterly cold, but I was in a funk I could not shake. Along with being a miserable winter my district was planning on cutting 100 teachers and staff and I knew my job was in danger. Fast forward to March and I found out I was involuntarily transferred to another middle school. I was fortunate to still have a job. However, my current school, despite the challenge, has been my home for three years. It is where I’ve grown the most as an educator and even though I’ve had some really tough days I am proud of my kids and the work of my co-workers.

I decided this transfer was my sign to start applying for elementary jobs. I have been wanting to try elementary again since that’s what I always intended to teach. I also knew I should not give up on teaching yet until I try a different grade level and school. I started to get excited about the idea of being back with younger kids and was hopeful for the next year.

I have probably applied for over 50 jobs. About half of those jobs have been internal positions in which I thought I would at least get an interview but have only heard back from three schools. I knew it would be hard since so many people in my district got moved to different buildings and probably wanted a say in what they were teaching. I have gotten a lot of denial emails and started to feel down again. Maybe elementary was just not in the cards?

Last Thursday, after having another challenging day at school, I was sitting up in bed when I got an email at 9:30 PM stating I was selected for an interview for an elementary position. The school district that sent me this email is the complete opposite of my current school district. My current district has a high percentage of kids in poverty while this district has a significant lower poverty percentage. I was in shock that I had finally heard from this school district having applied back in February. My hopes rose again and I started to panic. This was a HUGE interview for me. I started to go back and look at all my lessons making a list of things I have done that make me stand out. This district was stable, my current district not so much, and I knew this was a big opportunity that I could not pass up.

Today was my interview. I was nervous but felt more prepared than my previous interviews. The questions went well. I felt like I had more specific examples and the interview became very conversational and not just question and then answer. I started to feel comfortable and confident.

We had finished up questions and I started to ask my own questions, when one of the principals asked, “You could be moving districts, what would your students say if they found out you were moving to another school district?”

This is when I lost it. I started to cry in front of five strangers, four principals and the director of elementary education.

You see, I have not told my students I had been transferred because I was waiting until I knew for sure where I would be in case I got an elementary position. I had been dreading this conversation since I found out I had been cut from my building. I did not want my students to think I was another person leaving them behind. Despite all their flaws, I care for these kids so much. I wont’ lie, I complain about them but am the first to defend them to people outside of my school.

My students are tough to like sometimes, but so easy to love. They say and do things that they shouldn’t but they are MY kids and I love them all individually. Sometimes, they just need someone to listen and care. Their stories are heart breaking and when I’ve sat and gotten to know them it puts everything in perspective. You see, that’s all they want. They want to be heard but people often see the behavior and start the judgment before they even get to know the students.

So after crying, I was honest with my interviewers. I said they would miss me and question why I was leaving. I have felt this guilt about applying outside the district because I know that even though I don’t always feel like a good teacher, I am good for these kids. My students deserve good teachers too, but I want some control in my destiny and this is why I was applying to other schools.

All of the people at my interview could tell I cared. Heck, this was the first time I realized just how much I care. I think all the stress had been building up from this year and I finally had my breaking point. I got an apology from the principal who asked the question and another principal told me tears were a sign of sincerity and passion. She also said to keep my head held high and that every student deserves that kind of love.

I should hear back from this district within the next week or two. I literally put my heart and soul into that interview. Gosh, I even had an Oscar worthy cry session in front of them so I know despite what the results might be, I did my best.

I wish education was truly equal. I wish all students had the same opportunities. I wish we were given more funding for students who need emotional and behavioral support instead of all the cuts. I wish teachers, paras, and all other support staff were treated with dignity and respect. I wish so many things for the sake of education, but unfortunately more negative things have happened lately than positive.

I know I can’t change policies or funding, but I can try and be a change for my students whoever they may be the next year.