Almost a year ago, I was able to spend some needed time with my family who has recently been separated by distance. We were all reunited to cheer on our younger brothers’ basketball team to a regional victory. We are close. Despite all of us going down different paths we all are connected and support each other. My brothers are my best friends and almost a year ago I blame myself for almost ruining my family.
Almost a year ago, the weather was not grand but by no means a winter storm. After a celebration meal, we said good bye to our parents and youngest siblings and left to head back to Iowa. I was driving two of my brothers and the one’s girlfriend. The weathermen would say it was a light winter mix and the interstate was clear. It seemed like we were going to be fine. I was wrong.
We were 15 minutes away from my apartment when I started to slide on the bridge crossing into Iowa from Illinois. I am a paranoid and cautious driver so when the unexpected slide happened it took me awhile to process everything. The first slide I was able to gain control but then I started sliding a second time veering into the side of the bridge. My blue impala was being tossed back and forth and I had lost complete control. Eventually one of the hits to the impala caused it to spin around facing oncoming traffic and finally causing a stop to the vehicle. We barely had time to catch our breaths when we saw it. A semi was sliding toward us losing control just like we had done seconds ago. In my mind, all I could think of is this is how it ends.
The semi driver tried to avoid us but the truck of the semi slammed into the side of my car until the driver was able to head into a ditch. By some miracle, we were able to all evacuate the car in one piece. We were tossed around like a salad but left the scene with only cuts and bruises.
It truly was an act of God that kept us safe. Not many people can say they were hit by a semi and left the scene with only bruises. Physically, I was fine. Physically, I was able to live my life like the accident never happened. Everyone saw that I was physically alright so they told me not to worry anymore and count my blessing. One person even said I should just be thankful and not worry anymore.
No one asked about how I felt mentally. I told everyone I was OK because what right did I have to complain when everything turned out “fine?” But I was not OK. I was anything but OK. The week after the accident I cried every night before going to bed. When I tried to sleep all I saw was the semi coming at my family. I kept thinking that I was the oldest sibling and I could have caused the death of my mother’s children. I have always been third in charge of taking care of my younger brothers after my parents and the night of the accident I failed as the oldest. Not only was I in charge of my brothers’ lives but my brother’s girlfriend was in the car whom I barely knew at the time and I put her life in danger as well.
The accident happened at the end of winter which meant I didn’t have to worry about snow until the following year. However, every time I have to drive a long distance I make myself sick with worry. Bridges make me vomit, semis make me cringe, and the thought of driving in any snow makes my mind go into a mental panic. This winter there has been a few fatal snow related accidents and I can’t help but think why did they die and I was saved? Why am I so lucky yet still become sick with worry when it all turned out “OK”.
It took me awhile but I finally realized it was OK that I wasn’t OK. What happened to me was a freak of nature accident and it is natural to have some mental scars. Even after a year, I am still not mentally healthy from the accident and that’s OK. I feel in today’s world we are told to grin and pretend everything is fine but it is important to have trusted people in your life where you can confide things that are bothering you. When we hold back the stresses in our lives it builds up until we can’t take it anymore. I am all for overcoming obstacles but having people to help you through these obstacles makes the journey a lot easier. So when someone asks you, “are you OK?” don’t be afraid to let them know the truth because it is OK to not be OK.
Bee the Thread 